WHAT FORM IS HATE?

I clench my fists. I can feel the nails digging into my palm lines, it hurts when I pull my fingers back, they ache on joints. I try very hard to withdraw my eye pupil to not to concentrate on him. I look at him with stoned eyes. I feel numb inside as the thoughts push inside my on going thought process, they come one by one. I try to concentrate more upon what he did to me but as i do so i move away from it. Slowly other thoughts come with a gush of wind i try to match this incident with others. did they have any resemblance with any of the previous incidents? has something like this happened before? i faintly remember a small chaos driving me to hate someone.. what was his name?? or her?. i dismiss this thought because i could not figure the absolute facts. i reject a series of questions which come to my mind. as the two lines protecting my pupil get shut together the salty thing draws two oval lines on the outlines of my face and drop down from the chin. they have made their way and for sometime now they will move on this path. did he hurt me so much? is he worth my tears? I try to think hard. Thinking comes naturally to us. Part of the unconscious human nature for which one never has to strain, it slowly coils itself upon us.

i lifted my head i stared at him with the utmost form of behaviour, for which at present, i can only think of him to be subjected too. Hate is such you can feel it with the flow of blood or with the sudden pulsating nerve. i swear a million things to my conscious relating to never do something’s again. not seeing his face again, wont ever take his name, blah blah.. i subject him to certain things sentences which soothe my tired ness that has taken over me.(dust and s***** and god serve him with hell).

I notice my body has been leaning on my bag and it has started to fall.. I try to place it back to lean again but could not put it in the same position. I discover I have lost the energy to control certain things around. Hate is overpowering my every expression. It doesn’t let me reciprocate to the activities going around me. The thread my fingers had been playing with have served a punishment in place of him. Their are knots and broken tits and bits of it. i inhale the cough which has come due to the salty water, this soothes their flow. it did hurt a bit more then i didnt thought. may be this time, this hatefulness has taken a lead over the previous incidents where i rated that hatefulnes to be such which will be a lead in future, something with which i can identify with.

For one moment my mind gets blocked. It becomes interrupted by inflow of two thoughts running parallel to each other. I now think about hating him, what way would be the best, so much so that he realizes what I went through or at least places a guilt on his soul. Guilt which is left on soul often are hard to remove, they stay put forever. I wanted the pace of my action upon him to be like this. A guilt upon his soul. My heart makes a wicked moan. I adjust my posture, I hear a few cracks
inside..ohh.. I have been in the same position for past 30-35 minutes. i am horrified of the ideas that hit my mind. It’s the evil in me which has taken over. There’s a push of a latent energy which comes once its been called. The push of hate. Once hate overpowers human mind, fear and anger become its ingredients. I want to take revenge ..forget all that bookish crap. i think about all this and I feel energetic, I gain power. Power of my self esteem. Its name and esteem we all live for. I let go of the thread with the wind follow it for sometime through the corner of my eyes

i feel defeated. Its the feeling of being defeated there are a numerous shattered illusions that start to swirl me. i immediately dismiss this idea, but the push is strong. my brain nerves strain themselves in search of a human handkerchief, just anyone to whom i can cry on face. at this moment i dont care who so ever it may be. The thought of crying in solace is so perturbing. any emotion which goes unnoticed appears useless to me. The pulsating organ near the bosom seems to burst out with, they take charge of the fear, anger and the list of other synonymous words. I gave it a thought altogether and slowly I feel drifting away from this abrupt outflow of emotions. This feeling of helplessness makes me feel sorry.

Oh these lame mood swings, they started taking over me. I feel like a coward now. Now that my emotional state of mind is coming back to normal. In past few minutes as I sum up I went through al the possibilities. It soothes me. thinking does leave a contentment. If life makes you serve it lets you command too. I have served my share. These things can wait. My words reflect back to me.
I rise from my position and start moving toward s the cafeteria.