I Love U.. !

Today I wont do anything.. Anything as of to make U believe what I have always meant to say.

I m gaming on my faith and all of what I know, I could have given U with love and yea My happiness..

I will be in debt of my own feelings if today they reach out to your heart n will make u understand everything which my mouth shuts itself to.. my eyes refuse to confront with and my body betrays to do.

Today I believe I have disobeyed the age long notions of divulging what is in your heart.. Of keeping To one's own self.. to wait for the moment.. To not to cut beyond words..

I fathom on the days passed together and the nights we set to morning hours..

I m breaking down as the nerve is cracking down in my fist..

as i feel My breath is thumping as after a runner feels..

I feel as mounted as any acme

I feel a kick near my womb as I have always wanted u To be that close..

I have my eyes glistened as I know U will identify its for U..

and I feel proud as I know U r the one I love..

I want to make u sure of one thing that no matter to whom U belong to, My bond with U will remain as it has been as I want it..

I want u to know, that moment where I segregated my destiny and my will as two plots where U entered, I will treasure it on a note such as forever!

I will moan on the thought of your mere presence around me, lost in the myst of your warm touch.

As I know it I want to gather all of the staunch potential love I have in store for U.. for I want U to know for ever I have known nothing but to have faith in whatever U have chosen to do or U choose to do For Yourself.. for Me.. !!

I pray this new year bring s to U wealth, health N every single joy.. Blessed n worthy, U shall get whatever U wish..

I love you..

I love You a lot more then I can ever say..

Or make U feel known to It..

I love U so much!

Outline

I know nothing I m so ordinary,
I m so old yet I don’t know wat is my story.
I wipe so many tears As I walk away,
I feel I m know one so I shud stay.
I turn around ,
I stare and drown.


Alone as I go to the temple of daily thoughts..
One precedes the other,
and the other lies against all odds.
I see N wonder how much there is to it,
Of lost thoughts and some missing hits.
Unevenness of glistening emotions,
Unfriendly public and lucid notions.
How much have I taken before?
How much is their still to be given back,
Of those which I adore?


In the love of life,
Some betrayals are yet to be identified.
One season shook me,
The other beholds back.
The preaching’s of yesterday and today,
Glories faiths and miseries lay.
Tonight I will search for a normal tone,
Not a word of sympathy and a pretending soul.
Some things which I know from before,
Some things which I will pile and think,
Think and rethink in the waves of shore.


I compile here with no results,
With shallow blankness and mourning guilts.
Never will I speak of it again.
As I leave from here,
There will be no shelter.. nothing like what is everywhere.
I will be on my own..
that.. ... what is me what everyone has known!

"Death ......"

I gulp the last bite of the flattened flour, its tasteless. My taste bud has given up too. I am eating therefore to fill up the empty pit. Slowly the teeth start clattering, giving up on what all they have learnt since time so long. The throat is gulping with a peircing tact. My veins are gripping themsleves tightly, their effect is working like a vaccum, soaking the blood and still sucking it so furiously.

The last ounce of energy has evaporated from within. Now their are just paralysed bones scattered to keep me straight. The wave of oxygen just pushes a bit extra inside me in every 3/4th of second but still I panic and gasp. The memories zoom into past glories and thuds, which all came, cuddled me, sometimes back. But now their own will has failed to fathom this perpetuation.....

I know he is standing in front of me and where is he, he is shouting in my ear, perspiring, sweating and shouting so loud, shaking me, slapping me. He raised my coma struck body, he tightened his grip from my back to hold me from falling, my breast is thumping hard against his chest, but unlike other days its not soothing me, its not bringing back the magnificent relief . I am unable to realise what is happening with me.. His last words are echoing in my head and slowly dissolving dont know where?.. and rest everything is going ablazed slowly..

Franatically, as though failing to assemble the will, I suspend myself to this belligerence of my own body.. I take deep breaths, second by second, i held his t shirt, some of the buttons fell and some nervously are lying in my hand.

He is perspiring so hard, crying out so loud, his eyes are going red and wide, tears are rolling, chasing one after another. I am shocked to see the fear in his eyes, "the love which is turning into a Loss for a life time".

Suddenly absolute numbness shooks me, the coldness is so refined seems as if it has eaten me.

He is greieving giving his face in the taffeta of my bosom, shutting my eyes...

I turn behind and I see I lay..! I lay dead in his arms......

"Mera bachpan."

Kuch akshar ek kaagaz par maine utaare,

kya kahun, kuch boondein jaisey amrit ki saagar mein sama jayein

Ek tara yun un boondon ko chamkaaye

Ungaliyon mein unhein thaam lo,

Fir baadal ban ke barsa do

Haaiye mera bachpan lauta do!!

Saawan ke kuch vrikshon mein Aapas ki ek baat chali..

Reh-reh kar daaliyan aagey badhii..

Un mein fir ek chaah bani.

Uske phooloon pe bhanware mandrayein,

Haan uus khushboo ko thaam lo

Haaiye mera bachpan lauta do !!

Mai ek kaaya apne ma ke angan ki ang ang se viksit ho chali

mai chali pardes,

piya ka ghar na bhaya mujhe.. laut aayi fir des..

Ek pari mujhe Ma fir bana do

Haaiye mera bachpan lauta do !!

Door desh ki sair karun, pankh pasaar

Pinjra tod ghoom aaun sansaar

ek aisi khwahish rakhti hun, Ae maalik,

Ek laadli fir mujhe bana do

Haaiye mera bachpan lauta do!!

"If u said hello to me..."

i have tales to sing,
fears to be taken in.

i can talk about the moon
till the sun shines,
or i would recite some songs dipped in whines.

i can make you crazy day after day,
with my charm you will find me gay.

your majesty,
i am a dreamer i dream,
ahh but mostly i wake up and scream.

i love to crib about what i dont get,
am i not just another girl who doesnot have her mind set?

i am polite,
so u wont find me half loose at first site.

proud to begin with,
i have so much of my own,

so i have no time for you
not just you
not even the one who has to do with being known.

often on dark days i rise and fall,
if u caught me rising dont call it your chance
time and again i will fall
you wont be their then
so what is it about the chaos??

WHAT FORM IS HATE?

I clench my fists. I can feel the nails digging into my palm lines, it hurts when I pull my fingers back, they ache on joints. I try very hard to withdraw my eye pupil to not to concentrate on him. I look at him with stoned eyes. I feel numb inside as the thoughts push inside my on going thought process, they come one by one. I try to concentrate more upon what he did to me but as i do so i move away from it. Slowly other thoughts come with a gush of wind i try to match this incident with others. did they have any resemblance with any of the previous incidents? has something like this happened before? i faintly remember a small chaos driving me to hate someone.. what was his name?? or her?. i dismiss this thought because i could not figure the absolute facts. i reject a series of questions which come to my mind. as the two lines protecting my pupil get shut together the salty thing draws two oval lines on the outlines of my face and drop down from the chin. they have made their way and for sometime now they will move on this path. did he hurt me so much? is he worth my tears? I try to think hard. Thinking comes naturally to us. Part of the unconscious human nature for which one never has to strain, it slowly coils itself upon us.

i lifted my head i stared at him with the utmost form of behaviour, for which at present, i can only think of him to be subjected too. Hate is such you can feel it with the flow of blood or with the sudden pulsating nerve. i swear a million things to my conscious relating to never do something’s again. not seeing his face again, wont ever take his name, blah blah.. i subject him to certain things sentences which soothe my tired ness that has taken over me.(dust and s***** and god serve him with hell).

I notice my body has been leaning on my bag and it has started to fall.. I try to place it back to lean again but could not put it in the same position. I discover I have lost the energy to control certain things around. Hate is overpowering my every expression. It doesn’t let me reciprocate to the activities going around me. The thread my fingers had been playing with have served a punishment in place of him. Their are knots and broken tits and bits of it. i inhale the cough which has come due to the salty water, this soothes their flow. it did hurt a bit more then i didnt thought. may be this time, this hatefulness has taken a lead over the previous incidents where i rated that hatefulnes to be such which will be a lead in future, something with which i can identify with.

For one moment my mind gets blocked. It becomes interrupted by inflow of two thoughts running parallel to each other. I now think about hating him, what way would be the best, so much so that he realizes what I went through or at least places a guilt on his soul. Guilt which is left on soul often are hard to remove, they stay put forever. I wanted the pace of my action upon him to be like this. A guilt upon his soul. My heart makes a wicked moan. I adjust my posture, I hear a few cracks
inside..ohh.. I have been in the same position for past 30-35 minutes. i am horrified of the ideas that hit my mind. It’s the evil in me which has taken over. There’s a push of a latent energy which comes once its been called. The push of hate. Once hate overpowers human mind, fear and anger become its ingredients. I want to take revenge ..forget all that bookish crap. i think about all this and I feel energetic, I gain power. Power of my self esteem. Its name and esteem we all live for. I let go of the thread with the wind follow it for sometime through the corner of my eyes

i feel defeated. Its the feeling of being defeated there are a numerous shattered illusions that start to swirl me. i immediately dismiss this idea, but the push is strong. my brain nerves strain themselves in search of a human handkerchief, just anyone to whom i can cry on face. at this moment i dont care who so ever it may be. The thought of crying in solace is so perturbing. any emotion which goes unnoticed appears useless to me. The pulsating organ near the bosom seems to burst out with, they take charge of the fear, anger and the list of other synonymous words. I gave it a thought altogether and slowly I feel drifting away from this abrupt outflow of emotions. This feeling of helplessness makes me feel sorry.

Oh these lame mood swings, they started taking over me. I feel like a coward now. Now that my emotional state of mind is coming back to normal. In past few minutes as I sum up I went through al the possibilities. It soothes me. thinking does leave a contentment. If life makes you serve it lets you command too. I have served my share. These things can wait. My words reflect back to me.
I rise from my position and start moving toward s the cafeteria.

end so far

Its d end of the sunshine which ran so long for me,
its d end of the moonlight which ran so long for me.
end of the earth which ran below my feet
end of the world which ran after me.
all my lies,
all my faults stayed so far,
the storm inside me gonna tear me apart.
end of all those miseries
end of all those joys.
end of everything i came with to you
end of what you thought to be belonging to you
end of us..
end of me
end of u..

tip to toe naked

it feels i have dropped all my clothes for people to see me naked. "I am naked"! "I am naked"! and I am walking pass the crowd. I can see they are watching me, Watching like never before, as they have always wanted to.. Its so hard to become naked , baring everything...... baring my soul... Their are constant murmurs and whispers behind my back, I turn around to face tehm wanting to know everything right on my face but as i do it I can only feel my ears straining to hera from them.. theirs just blank waind which gushes, swirls me. I consider them to be dead

Is this their victory???? When and why did i gave them this right???" Did they snatched it??

"sometimes when i am sitting between people(ideally the metro i board) there's gloominess that strike me. As if the crowd is trying to think really hard to read my mind. I cant show my thoughts. It will be really shocking if they read my mind. I feel so insecure. I need a women shoulder... Men annoye me.. they are all same.. arent they??"
My mind has stopped responding.. its suffering.. suffering is every where.. dont ever think it isnt.. so are Miracles.. dont ever think they arent their. When will a miracle happen in my world?
Trapped thats what I am!!!!????!!!!

call me lost, fake....
soul belonging to no world..
soul speechless for ages..

do tel me if its a piece of shitt!


(jan18'2007)

nowhere

We all need reasons to live.
We all are searching for one or the other which will finally give us the reason to head towards nowhere..
Life to me is that.. Heading aimlessly!! At one point or other we all do walk aimlessly towards one goal, which we know is so incomplete. Not every goal we plan is complete but still we want to head towards one. We all are serching for reasons to live. None of us want to live life. They just want to complete it and say we know what life is..
What ideology is this???
"REASON" thats what is the "soul goal" is!

unfinshed past

I resemble my past with my present
Still untouched, still unknown.

An island of illusions,
A path of blind visions.

My soul wanders undesirably towards no goal,
It still wanders, but that doesn’t solve.

There’s still no light found,
From past to present.

A tireless voice calls me,
It reminds me I am not free,
It vanishes, but doesn’t finishes

I cry!
I scream!

I walk i dare,
Theres no one to care.

I end up being lost ....

There’s no change from past to present .....

They resemble,
They get assembled.

I slowly walk away….

vowing never to look back...

awkward silence

There s silence in the echo.

It whispers in my ears,
It says to leave it alone
To let it comprehend on its own .

To a world of shattered hearts.

The silence says so much to me,
I hear it clenching its fist.

I can hear it tearing every fence..

There s a face which remain un faced.

A saga yet to be told

A death still to be known

Truly in the deepest of desires,
Sacred to the belonging of its owner..

The silence echoes to me!!!!!!!!!!!

Since I am the owner

I hear,
I cry.
But the tears wont dry.

I fell on the ground,
Its still clinging to me.

It takes my breath away....

It makes me die

I am dead.
May 8, 2006

scattered silence

hidden in my silence
lies the threshold of a new vision

a vision which embarks light
upon a zillions of masqueradic ques,
which vow to be real.

That road calls me,
To lament the curse
Which stops me.

A road to perdition
Of anxiety and hunger.

I call upon the karma
Please lfit me,
To the map of love.

To gloss faith ....
Its love to whom I owe...
My soul, my silence

STITCH MY SCATTERED SILENCE
FOR ITS ALL HIDDEN IN MY SILENCE..

i m talking to u

I have no ALTERS wat so ever. its just ME with so MANY faces. I keep on CHANGING, i keep on HIDING. never WANTING YOU to know who am I!! who r YOU I dnt know YOU..do I???

There are so many alters within me. I dont need a company. I dont need to get acquainted. hell!!.. Every relation rolls up.. Turning into ashes which have no Relevance what so ever.
"strangers..."
They pull curtains.. one by one..
i dont want to show you whats wid me.?!
Its just me .. and i mean every word of what I say. I wont apologise i wont regret. I know what is it to talk.. Once the words are out they belong to listeners ears(yours).
Well i am aware of it all.